About me

I was born on 18 September 1976 in Kyiv to Sveta and Fedya, a wonderful couple. (Endless thanks to them for this precious birth!) I also have an older brother, Maksym, three years my senior. I spent most of my first years with my grandmothers in the village of Shyshaky in the Poltava region. My grandparents let me do anything and never stood in my way (which, in my mum’s opinion, spoiled me: the child grew up far too freedom-loving), and I am very grateful to them for that.

In my school years our summers went like this: a month at a (Pioneer) camp, a month with my grandparents and a month at the sea with my parents. It was steady and brought a lot of joy and happiness. Milk straight from the cow, our own huge orchard, village fields, the river and the forest, wild strawberries straight from the grass, swimming until our lips turned blue, the smell of hay, horses, grazing cows with my friends. Then, bang: Pioneer line-ups, camp leaders, bonfires, war games, lots of new friends, contests, discos, “royal nights” (you know, when everyone smears each other with toothpaste), craft classes. And then, bang: the sea, watermelons, motor boats, submarines (always Sevastopol), an inflatable ring, the smell of salty skin, splashes, crunchy treats…

School… Like all children back then: lessons plus after-school activities. What didn’t I do! Knitting and crochet (so many metres of clothes knitted!), satin-stitch and cross-stitch embroidery, wood burning, macramé (who didn’t do macramé back then?!), tennis, fencing (2 years), music school (7 years, piano) and ballroom dancing (6 years), and strumming the guitar on my own (all of Tsoi’s songs, of course, and all the songs of Grazhdanskaya Oborona, which I was into at the time; plus Yanka, Krematoriy, Chaif, DDT, Mashina Vremeni, BG and so on. Oh, how many concerts we stormed! We used to break into the Ukraina Palace for free in a huge crowd of fans, sat in the front rows at VV concerts and got autographs from Makarevich, Syutkin, Skrypka and Yegor Letov). For a while I even really wanted to become a musician (one day I wanted to sing, the next to play the guitar, then bass, then drums: torn in all directions :)).

I always represented my school at sports competitions (long jump and the 3 km run) and always went to hiking rallies. Oh, those were great! We raced through the woods with maps, did all kinds of tasks, pitched tents, lit fires and tied knots against the clock. That was my favourite: I happily skipped regular PE lessons, sitting on a bench with the PE teacher while he taught me hiking knots and everyone else ran and did push-ups. I even took second place at one of the Kyiv school rallies. It was so exciting and interesting!

I also did a bit of pentathlon at the DOSAAF club. Back then I had a collie called Dolly. With her I ran over barriers and fences, threw grenades, we crawled on our bellies and caught “intruders”, all at the dog-training ground, where we completed both the general obedience course and the guard and protection course.

By the way, my longest-lasting dream job was to become a lion tamer in a circus. Only lions and tigers interested me, of course. Several times after the shows I sneaked backstage (and got autographs from the wonderful Shevchenko animal trainers), petted all the animals and talked to people for whom the circus is life… (Actually, you could say I do work as a tamer, hee-hee. I tame myself and others with yoga and meditation. Inner negativity is waaay more dangerous and fierce than any outer predator.)

I was always interested in “that kind” of books. While still at school I spent my first “saved-up” money on Roerich, Blavatsky, Bailey and Papus on top. I devoured them all and planned to run away to Tibet. I planned so thoroughly, sitting over maps, counting kilometres, working out a route, counting days and weighing up my strength, that in the end I even recorded a farewell cassette for my parents. I told them not to worry: I was just going to Tibet for knowledge, would study there for many years and then come back, all wise and enlightened, having grasped the meaning of existence. And not to worry, everything was fine, I would get there on foot. I was going to go through Tajikistan with the Hare Krishnas. Phew, luckily I suppose, I didn’t go. Everything in its own time.

By the way, I was always tormented by a feeling of being “old”, of “here we go again”, of déjà vu. I was really pining from the state of “having forgotten what happened before, before this life”. Here I am, born with such an old soul, having been here so many times, and yet I have to grow up and learn everything again, stumble through life like a blind mole, replay the same tiresome script and step on the same rake, all because I forgot something important… And what is it?… Ugh!

At university I studied by correspondence, because I really wanted to be financially independent. I graduated as a “teacher of the history and theory of culture”, a very broad speciality: you can teach anything, since everything falls under “culture”. In a way, my current profession as a yoga teacher belongs there too. At that time I worked as a secretary in various places, longest of all at the Ukrainian House as secretary to the executive director and at the “talent forge” Blitz-Inform in the marketing research department (a few years each).

Alongside work and my personal life I attended all kinds of seminars. One of the first was an Osho training: spontaneous dance, sensing with eyes closed, satsangs, dynamic meditation… I was the youngest participant (still at school). It was a breakthrough for me. Such interesting people, with whom you could start a conversation from the present moment, who understood everything so easily…

Around the same time I met an interesting woman. She was working as a school caretaker then, and I don’t even know how she survived financially. She collected bottles. I can hardly retell our conversations… We often walked on Trukhaniv Island, and she drew my attention to everything around us. I collected bottles with her, talking about otherworldly things, expanding my perception and my feeling for life’s passing moments. A magical woman. Thank you to her.

Then came a whole era of tai chi chuan. For several years I studied with Yura Kovalenko. Oh, how he tormented us! “What is this tai chi ballet? Did you come here to dance? Why do you even come here?!” Yes, that was him. We stood in the “tree” posture for hours… and he kept criticising us. What a wonderful teacher! I learned a lot from him too… Somehow I got to practise a little of the Wu, Yang and Chen styles. I loved tai chi chuan and our group. Every year we went to Meganom or Fox Bay in Crimea to practise…

With the same group we even took part in an “experiment”: “can white monkeys learn Peking opera?”, hee-hee. Some Peking opera stars were visiting Kyiv, and the embassy decided to organise a kind of demonstration course and concert. Our tai chi team, led by Yura, served as the guinea pigs. For a couple of weeks we learned the movements (a bit like pantomime, only the Chinese way) and then put on a show for the embassy staff, their families and lovers of Chinese culture. I must say it was impressive. And I was put in charge of counting in Chinese. (Everything there follows a count, and the leader keeps the rhythm. Oh, that was a big responsibility and very exciting.)

And every summer at weekends we stood in the “tree” under the trees of the Central Botanical Garden… merging with nature… Ah, our spot is still there… (Huge thanks to Yura too.)

Courses in free breathing, vivation and holotropic breathwork added new experiences, insights and states… I can say the same about Scientology: if you don’t get stuck on L. Ron Hubbard, you can discover a lot about yourself and the world. I also went to a psychology group. I don’t remember the teacher’s name exactly; May Healy, I think. We worked as a group, and it was very instructive to get to know our own and other people’s quirks (common or unique, acquired or innate).

I also really loved a course in eidetics (memorising through images). It develops memory wonderfully. I would recommend such a course to everyone for general development. It suits everyone: kinaesthetic, auditory and visual learners, children and adults, those who are happy and those still looking for happiness. Go for it!

Another interesting thing (at the time) were Denisov’s seminars (he and Zolotov created the method) on developing sensing and alternative vision. I saw with my own eyes how, after a few sessions, people learned to see with their eyes closed (not the way you see with them open, of course). It takes a long time to learn, but anyone can do it! We worked with different states, in pairs and in groups, danced, communicated. There is a lot to remember!

Of course, Castaneda’s practices are a whole layer of my past. I even built a box for recapitulation, put it on top of a wardrobe and climbed into it from time to time to recapitulate everyone on my list. (If you haven’t read Castaneda, go and buy all the books right now, be patient with the first two (it gets more interesting later) and read, read, read. Come on, it’s a classic!) I took notes on the practices from the books of Taisha Abelar and Florinda Donner and practised them as far as my strength and understanding allowed. Many thanks to them for this knowledge.

And then yoga appeared. One winter in 1999 some tai chi friends at my place were passing on Andrey Sidersky’s book The Yoga of Eight Circles. I noticed it and asked to read it overnight. I swallowed it whole. I tried some of the poses that looked easy in the photos. Ha, not so easy! Then I read The Third Discovery of Power and rushed to Andrey’s class. I was so impressed by the books that I couldn’t believe such people could live in the same city.

I remember the state I was in on my way to the first class: as if it were my last chance. If I missed it now, the opportunity would never come again. Of course, yoga “hooked” me. I had found my thing. And of course I am very grateful to Andrey for generously sharing his experience, inspiring us by his example and lighting this fire of yoga in the hearts of many.

For a while I combined yoga and tai chi. It made a delicious layered sandwich: one helped the other. I still think these practices are a wonderful combination. Plus Vipassana. Yes: besides yoga and tai chi, Vipassana became the third component for several years. What, you don’t know what it is? Oh, just as with Castaneda, sign up for a course right away, don’t waste time!

I have talked a lot about Vipassana at all my seminars and in many interviews, so I definitely won’t do it here! So far I have completed only 8 of these 10-day courses. After the 4th course I could no longer bear that so many people in our country had no idea about this practice and no chance to try it. So I put all my effort into organising such courses in Ukraine. A few close friends helped me, I found the first sponsors, and hooray, now every Vipassana course in Ukraine is full! As soon as registration opens, it has to close a few days later because there are no places left.

I am very glad that I organised the first Vipassana courses in Ukraine. It was worth being born into this world for that alone. As it turned out, my mission was not only that.

For several years I believed devoutly only in the Goenka version of Buddhism and practised meditation and yoga. I gave up tai chi: I had to sacrifice it to practise the other two more deeply. Sadly, you can’t do everything.

So: years of practice and teaching… Thank you to my fellow yoga teachers for their friendship, support, or simply for what they bring to people! (Sorry, I won’t name names. I value, love and respect you all. A deep bow to you.) And of course thank you to everyone who has studied with me! Without you I wouldn’t be who I am now, because we learned from each other. Thank you!

About travel. I first went to India in 2002. It was my first trip abroad at all (Poland and the Baltic states during school don’t count), with minimal English (I had learned French at school). I have written about India, and will write more, in my LiveJournal. In a nutshell: I felt not just at home but literally like a child in its mother’s arms, completely protected, cosy and safe. I travelled on a shoestring then, but India showed me how many kind people there are in the world. You can be extremely poor, but if your heart is generous, you can always take care of someone in need and share something with them. And that care and those cheap gifts are worth far more than any material offerings.

I never tire of telling everyone: people, travel! It is incredibly enlightening!

I have also been to Europe: Portugal, Spain, France, Germany, Italy, Poland, Denmark. We went to Portugal and Spain for yoga conferences, which included the so-called “World Yoga Sport Championships”. For many “yogis” this causes a whole range of mental states, worries, questions and sceptical shrugs. I have explained the essence of these “competitions” many times, so I won’t go on about it here.

I will only say that my title of “world champion in yoga sport, artistic yoga category” is for me just another label. I understand perfectly well that it doesn’t mean I am “the best yogi”. God forbid. The idea behind these annual seminars and competitions isn’t to pick out the “cool ones” and award them titles either. It is simply a way to make yoga more popular. You know how it is in sport: those who win today wouldn’t necessarily win on another day or against other rivals. Many factors meet at one point in space, and the result is what it is. Yes, these yoga titles say something. But not that much. What matters is what happens next in the practitioner’s mind.

In 2004 I met Zhenya (Tankovsky). A year later we got married and left on a six-month “honeymoon”. We visited India, Nepal, Thailand, Cambodia and Sri Lanka, practising and resting at the same time. I did another Vipassana course in Thailand (I recommend it: separate cells, excellent conditions). In northern Thailand I also completed a two-week intensive in Thai yoga massage. Oh, I recommend it to everyone too! Provided you study it together with someone who will then give you the same incredibly divine three-hour massage.

Three years ago, in 2006, I met my Teacher, Chökyi Nyima Rinpoche. I don’t know what good I did in the past for all the causes and conditions to come together for this long-awaited meeting. It really is like the descriptions in books. When I read them, with my usual scepticism I thought they were exaggerated and over-excited. Well, no. The same feelings came over me: I have found it, I am home, this is it. How much energy is freed when the inner antenna stops searching (like a phone hunting for Wi-Fi, which quickly drains the battery)! It is like the eyes of someone who already loves and is no longer searching. They have found everything, and it has already happened to them.

In 2007 my (now former) husband and I opened the Kyiv Yoga Studio. But it so happened that in 2008 we moved to Nepal for several years, where I planned to study Buddhism and my husband went into a three-year retreat… I wrote about our life there at the time in my LiveJournal. Come and read the stories if you are interested.

My husband’s retreat stretched to 9 years (which I certainly didn’t expect), and for 8 of them I supported him financially. I definitely don’t recommend that to anyone: a woman should not financially support a man, retreat or not. Buddhists may heap ashes on my head as much as they like, but this is my bitter life experience and now a firm conviction that it is wrong. Yes, friends sometimes helped me, and now and then we collected money for the retreat at the yoga studio. I am very grateful to them! But on the whole it was my responsibility. And even knowing that regretting a good deed cancels all its good karma (as Buddhists believe), I wouldn’t do it again if I could choose how to live through that situation.

I think I will write on my blog about retreats and about people’s readiness for them. Living in Nepal gave me a good sample and statistics: it is not as simple and rosy as it seems when we read books about the distant, alluring Himalayas. I am by no means against retreats! I myself dream of doing at least one three-year retreat in this life. But you need to be truly ready: morally, with knowledge and instructions received, free of obligations (and not only in your head), plus financially independent for the whole retreat.

I will keep telling stories and answering questions about life in Nepal. Those 8 years were full of priceless experience, knowledge, blessings and strength.

I hope I have been of some use to people in the past. Perhaps I am now too. And I will do my best to be as effective and useful as possible in the future. That is my motivation.

Was it worth writing all this about myself?…

If even one person goes to a Vipassana course or another course for personal growth, or sets off on a journey, and it changes their life for the better; if someone perhaps comes to Nepal to meet the Teachings and the living holders of the tradition… If that happens, I will be happy!

3 October 2009, Boudha (Boudhanath), Kathmandu, Nepal. (Lightly edited and updated in 2019)

P.S. For the most important and precious things I haven’t yet found words to speak as easily and casually as I did above about courses, seminars, hobbies and practices for personal growth… (That’s always the way!) But I think that people reading these lines or who know me can draw their own conclusion from my actions: if I spent 8 years in Nepal, going through some hardships, then it is serious…

The teachings and practices of Tibetan Buddhism are so boundless and deep, and the living holders of the tradition so wonderful, magnificent, astonishing and precious, that right now it seems out of place and petty to praise them or talk about their advantages over other systems… Everything is subjective, after all, and what is a path for one person may seem nonsense to another (because their perception is clouded at that moment).

Just turn your attention to the Buddha’s teaching. Perhaps it is exactly what you are looking for. I am more than sure it can solve all your existential problems. :))))

Good luck with your practice!

P.S. 2, added in January 2017!
Life brings us so many surprises! So much has changed in this time!

Buddhism, of course, has entered and stayed in the very heart. In 2016 I became a happy mum, and I am discovering myself, my son and the dance of life in a new way. I hope that motherhood (which leads to real growing up) will make my flow of life even fuller, and that I will share what is “wise, kind and eternal”, inspiring many on the Path!